Krampus Christmas
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: My Christmas story for this year :-) The Joker family hears about the German superstition of Krampus, which the Joker dismisses as just a legend. But then strange things start to happen in Gotham City, which makes him consider whether there might be some truth in it after all, but more importantly, whether his children are in danger. Thanks to Blue Kitsune for the suggestion!
1. Chapter 1

**Krampus Christmas**

"You know what the best thing about ice skates is?" asked the Joker, as he attached two sharp blades to the bottom of his shoes. "You can use 'em to engage in enjoyable winter exercise, or as a murder weapon. It's two of my favorite things combined – fun, and killing people."

"I can't stand up, Daddy," said his daughter, Arleen, trying and failing to balance on her skates.

"Yeah, you get your clumsiness from your mother," sighed Joker. "Lemme help you, princess. On the count of three, we'll get up together," he said, taking her hands. "One, two, three!" he exclaimed, as they pulled each other up.

"I can't tie my skates on, Daddy," said Arleen's twin brother, J.J., looking in confusion at the laces in front of him. "I can figure out lots of other puzzles, but not how to tie shoelaces."

"Well, it can be tricky," agreed Joker, heading over to help him. "There's some poem about rabbits to help you remember, but you'd have to ask Uncle Jervis about that. I ain't a poetry kinda guy."

"Daddy, I'm gonna fall over!" shrieked Arleen, as he had let go of her hand to tie J.J.'s skates. She plummeted backward toward the ice, but Joker raced over to catch her before she hit it.

"Geez, maybe we shoulda brought your mother after all," he said, helping her balance again. "Just to have two pairs of hands. But I can't help but think it would all end disastrously with her involved, just like everything does. Now both of you, take my hands, and we'll try this slowly. I promise I won't let go until you're ready."

"What if the ice breaks, Daddy?" asked J.J., as his father pulled him to his feet.

"It won't – you gotta trust me," said Joker. "I promise you, this is fun."

"Doesn't seem like fun so far," muttered J.J.

"Just hold on," said Joker, picking up speed. Once he was going fast enough, he spun them around in a circle so they whipped around the ice, laughing. "See, that's fun, isn't it?" he asked.

"Again, Daddy!" exclaimed Arleen.

"Ok, but this time I want you to let go," he said.

"Won't that hurt?" asked J.J.

"Trust me," repeated Joker, gaining speed and then spinning them around. "Let go now!" he exclaimed.

The twins obeyed, shooting backward across the lake and landing in a snowbank. They popped their heads out of the snow, giggling madly. "Now tell me that ain't fun!" said Joker, smiling at them as he skated over.

"It is fun," agreed J.J. "But cold."

"Well, let's stay out here a little longer and then head home to your mother, who should have hot cocoa waiting," said Joker, glancing at the sky. "I don't wanna be out when it gets dark, for obvious reasons."

The twins shuddered, and not just from the cold, as they climbed out of the snowbank. After about half an hour of fun on the ice, they headed home well before sunset.

"There are my little Jokersicles!" exclaimed Harley Quinn, rushing to hug her family as the door opened. She was beaten to it by their pet hyenas, Bud and Lou, who instantly began barking and jumping on them, relieved they were home. "Geez, you're frozen!" Harley exclaimed, kissing her family. "You need some hot cocoa in you right away! Luckily it's ready," she added, as she headed into the kitchen.

"Told you," said Joker. "One thing you can say for your mother, she's dependable. Even if she is too clumsy to be taken ice-skating," he added, kissing her as she brought them each a mug of steaming cocoa.

"Well, I needed to put up the decorations anyway," retorted Harley. "How does the room look?" she asked, gesturing out to the living room. "You think grandma, grandpa and me did a good job?"

"Yeah!" exclaimed J.J., gazing around excitedly at the Christmas decorations everywhere. "Great job, grandma and grandpa!"

"Thank you, J.J.," said Mrs. Quinzel, rushing to embrace her grandson while Mr. Quinzel ruffled his hair. "I'm glad you like it."

"We don't have a lot of practice with Christmas, but it's not so hard once you get the hang of it," said Mr. Quinzel.

"It looks like a fairy-tale castle!" exclaimed Arleen. "Or something outta _The Nutcracker!_ "

"Well, I really hope there are no rodents hanging around in here!" chuckled Joker. "Anyway, there's only one rodent king I'm afraid of, and he ain't getting in here without my guard hyenas tearing him limb from limb," he said, petting Bud and Lou.

"Did you know the story of _The Nutcracker_ originated in Germany?" asked Mrs. Quinzel. "Which is where our family was originally from a few generations back."

"Is Germany in Brooklyn?" asked J.J.

"No, it's a country across the ocean," replied Mrs. Quinzel. "This was way, way back, in our great-great grandparents' time. It was a difficult time for our people in Germany, so they immigrated to America in search of a better life, and settled in Brooklyn."

"And it became an even more difficult time for your people in Germany a few years after that, what with the Nazis and all," commented Joker, as Harley elbowed him.

"But a lot of popular holiday traditions originated in Germany," continued Mrs. Quinzel, ignoring him. "Including the Christmas tree, or _Tannenbaum_ , and including everyone's favorite Christmas ballet, _The Nutcracker_."

"Wow, Germany must be a fun place to be at Christmas," said Arleen. "So many wonderful traditions came from there!"

"Well, they aren't all wonderful," commented Mr. Quinzel. "They did invent Krampus, after all."

"What's Krampus?" asked J.J.

"He's this monster who travels around the country with their version of Santa Claus," explained Mr. Quinzel. "Except he punishes the naughty children by whipping them with sticks, or carrying them off in his giant bag to eat them."

Everyone stared at him. "What kinda sick, messed up people would come up with that kinda horrible punishment for a naughty child?" asked Joker, aghast. "No wonder they were Nazis!"

"Is…is Krampus gonna take us away, Daddy?" whispered Arleen, clinging to her father's leg in terror.

"No, princess – first of all, you're not a naughty child, and second of all, even if you were, Krampus isn't real," said Joker, reassuringly. "Now I'm just gonna have a word in private with your grandfather," he said, grabbing Mr. Quinzel's arm and dragging him into the kitchen.

"What do you mean by freaking out my kiddies like that, huh?" he demanded, rounding on him in fury. "Don't you know they were almost kidnapped last year by a certain Bat-freak?! The last thing they need to think about is some creepy German monster coming here to carry them off and eat them!"

"I'm sorry – I thought they would think it was funny," said Mr. Quinzel. "Krampus is nothing more than a joke anymore, and I thought you liked jokes."

"I don't like jokes about my kiddies being taken away from me," snapped Joker. "That ain't funny. So just keep your creepy, Nazi superstitions to yourself in the future, ok?"

"Great sense of humor he's got, Harley," sighed Mr. Quinzel, as Joker stormed out of the kitchen.

"He's just a little overprotective of the kiddies – you can't blame him," said Harley. "It's how he shows he cares, by threatening to hurt people. I think it's kinda sweet."

"Yeah, you think a lotta odd things, Harley," sighed Mr. Quinzel, hugging her. "I've learned to accept those, though, so maybe I can learn to accept the same eccentricities in the father of your children."

"That's a good way of looking at it, Dad," said Harley, nodding. "Mr. J's just a little eccentric, that's all. But no more eccentric than people who think up a monster who kidnaps bad kids and eats them. I agree with Mr. J – that's a messed up idea."

"It's just a silly relic of the past, Harley," replied Mr. Quinzel. "It can't hurt you."

But that was where Mr. Quinzel was wrong. Superstitions still held power over people who believed in them, and there was at least one person in Gotham City who still believed in Krampus.


	2. Chapter 2

"I hope we have enough food for this Christmas party," commented Mrs. Quinzel, as she looked out at the feast she had prepared. "And that we've attended to everyone's dietary requirements. You're sure nobody's a vegetarian, Harley?"

"I told you, Mom, the only one we need to worry about is Red, who's like the opposite of a vegetarian," said Harley. "Mostly we just need to make sure we haven't served any cooked plants. Red gets really emotionally attached to 'em, and seeing things that she perceives as her children fried up and served on a plate is really difficult for her. It's why we had to get a fake Christmas tree this year too," she sighed. "I miss the smell of the real ones, but I ain't gonna traumatize my best friend just for that."

"One thing I've always admired about you, dear, is your ability to accept such unique individuals into your life," said Mrs. Quinzel.

"Well, I've always had an attraction for extreme personalities, Mom," agreed Harley. "You're the one who taught me to accept people just the way they are without expecting them to change."

"Yes, I learned that from your father," agreed Mrs. Quinzel, nodding at her husband who was glaring at the Joker as he fed the children pigs in a blanket.

"Sure you don't wanna try one, Mr. Q?" he asked, holding one out to him.

"We don't eat pork, Joker, for the thousandth time," sighed Mr. Quinzel.

"Suit yourself," said Joker, shrugging. "I think I'd prefer whatever eternal punishment your God has in store rather than live without bacon, but you do you."

There was a knock on the door. "Well, someone is tediously punctual," said Joker, heading over to open it. "And I might have known it'd be Nerd Family One – I know you've never heard of being fashionably late because you've definitely never heard of being fashionable."

"Speak for yourself," retorted Jervis Tetch, adjusting his cravat as he led his adopted daughter inside. "It's rude to be late for very important dates, and Christmas is a very important date."

"It's the day Jesus was born," spoke up little Alice Tetch.

"So people say," muttered Mr. Quinzel.

"Yeah, you gotta not mention the J word around here – Harley's folks don't believe in him," said Joker. "The J word is Jesus, not Joker – they gotta believe in me, they got no choice!" he chuckled.

"Unfortunately," agreed Mr. Quinzel.

"But we do share certain similarities, the old JC and me," continued Joker. "Both unjustly persecuted for our beliefs, both kind and generous to all…"

"Both delusional," agreed Mr. Quinzel.

"Who's Jesus, Daddy?" asked J.J. "I thought Christmas was just about getting presents."

"No, J.J., it's about spending time with your family and loved ones," replied Arleen. "But I also don't know who Jesus is."

"He's the guy who started Christmas," said Joker. "A long, long time ago. But mostly now it's about the rampant commercialism, and I, for one, wholeheartedly approve. Although I also enjoy spreading joy to mankind – nothing makes me happier than seeing smiling faces, whether they're made that way by generous gifts, or Joker toxin."

"You remember, kiddies, that time your Daddy defaced that church sign that said WWJD?" asked Harley. "The church folks ask themselves 'What Would Jesus Do?' since Jesus is kinda their role model, but your Daddy thought it would be more fun to consider 'What Would Joker Do?'"

"I can guarantee you, whatever it is, what I would do would be more fun," said Joker. "Now you nerds come in and have some tea before the other nerd family arrives."

There was a knock on the door. "Speak of the devil," said Joker, opening it and beaming. "There's the nerd family who needs to learn how to use birth control!"

"Thank you, Joker, Merry Christmas to you too," sighed Emilia Crane, as she followed her husband, Jonathan Crane, and their three children inside.

"I shouldn't even be here – I should be back at the lab," said Crane. "I didn't want to come in the first place, and I certainly have better things to do with my time than be insulted by this clown."

"Well, Christmas is a time to spend with your family, not alone in a lab," replied Emilia.

"This clown is not my family," retorted Crane, gesturing at Joker.

"No, but we are, and we were all kindly invited to this Christmas dinner, and it would be rude if we all didn't go," said Emilia.

"I also want to be back at the lab, Daddy," spoke up Katrina Crane, the eldest child. "I want to make more fear toxin."

"And I want to inventory the fear toxin we have," said Crane. "I'm telling you, there's some missing."

"I don't see how that's possible, unless you lost it," said Emilia. "There was no sign of a break-in at the lab, was there?"

"No, but it's possible it was an inside job," said Crane. "I have hired a few new henchmen recently – it's possible that one of them was a plant. My fear toxin is incredibly dangerous in the wrong hands, you know, and there are many shady characters looking to get their hands on it."

"Yeah, we wouldn't want any shady characters getting control of it, not like you and your responsible self who just wants to make the world pay for his traumatic childhood," agreed Joker, nodding.

"At least you know I wouldn't use it on my friends and associates," replied Crane. "If someone else has stolen some, there is no such guarantee."

"Well, it doesn't work on me, remember?" asked Joker. "I have no fears, so even if someone did want to use it on me, they'd be pretty disappointed."

"I don't believe you can be a parent and not have fears," spoke up Tetch. "As a parental figure to an adopted child, I can tell you, I spend my whole life being afraid of doing something wrong in her upbringing, something her parents might not have approved of."

"You mean dressing her up as a Victorian child and making her talk with a British accent?" asked Joker.

"I don't make her do either of those things – she chooses to do them," retorted Tetch.

"It's only natural for a parent to be afraid," agreed Mrs. Quinzel. "But I wouldn't worry too much, Mr. Tetch – things have a way of working out, even if they don't work out the way you planned."

"I second that," agreed Mr. Quinzel. "We always had high hopes for our daughter's future, and whatever else can be said about her, she seems happy enough."

Harley smiled at them as the doorbell rang. "Red, Harvey, so glad you could make it!" she said, hugging Poison Ivy and Two-Face. "Merry Christmas!"

"And happy holidays to you," said Ivy, nodding at Harley's parents. "It must be weird for you both to be celebrating Christmas, huh?"

"Well, we're not strictly celebrating it – just spending time with family who do," replied Mr. Quinzel.

"I think spending time with your loved ones is the best thing to do during the holidays, no matter what holidays you're celebrating," added Mrs. Quinzel.

"Amen to that," agreed Harley. "Now come on in to the dining room, everyone, and let's eat!"

"Daddy, can we put out the milk and cookies for Santa after dinner?" asked Arleen.

"Of course you can, princess," said Joker. "Although I think Santa might actually prefer a scotch on the rocks with his cookies. I hear Mrs. Claus's parents are visiting the North Pole this year, and having the relatives to stay over the holidays can often drive a person to drink."

"He shouldn't drink alcohol if he's driving his sleigh," said J.J. "That could be dangerous if he has impaired reflexes."

"Oh dear, do you both still believe in Santa Claus?" sighed Katrina Crane.

"Yeah. What about it?" asked Arleen.

"I also believe in Santa Claus, and I'm older than them," said Alice Tetch. "Do you not, Katrina? You must not get many presents if you don't believe in the person who gives them to you. It's most rude not to believe in someone like that."

"I get lots of presents from Mommy and Daddy…" began Katrina.

"Katrina, we did ask you not to shatter the illusions of other children in terms of Santa, didn't we?" said Emilia, hurrying over to her. "It's not polite to try and contradict other people's beliefs."

"But Mommy, a man in a magic sleigh pulled by flying reindeer coming down a chimney to deliver presents – it's nonsense!" exclaimed Katrina.

"And why exactly would something being nonsense mean it's not real?" asked Alice. "My uncle and I believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast, and that's not nonsense."

"Yeah, good for you, creepy Victorian schoolgirl," said Joker, patting her on the head. "And that's bad parenting, Craney, telling your kid there's no Santa Claus."

"I don't believe in lying to my children," retorted Crane. "I'm sorry if some of you do."

"Well, who else would deliver presents if there wasn't a Santa Claus?" asked J.J.

"He's got you there," said Joker, nodding. "Now let's change the subject and eat!"

"Maybe if there's no Santa Claus, that means there's no Krampus too," murmured J.J. to his sister as they sat down at the table.

"Daddy said there is a Santa Claus, and there is no Krampus," retorted Arleen. "And Daddy doesn't lie."

"What if he did lie because he doesn't want us to worry about Krampus?" asked J.J. "I mean, he does sound like nonsense, but if cousin Alice believes in nonsense, maybe that means he's real after all. What if Krampus is out there somewhere, like…Batman?"

He whispered the last word with a lowered voice. "J.J., cut it out," muttered Arleen. "We're safe with our family, and Batman or Krampus isn't going to be able to get us while they're protecting us."

"I hope you're right," said J.J., looking tentatively out the window. Arleen looked too, and suddenly they both screamed, ducking under the table.

"What on earth…" began Harley.

"He's out there, Mommy!" shouted J.J.

"Who?" asked Harley, as her children flung themselves into her arms. "Batman?"

"Krampus," whispered Arleen.

"Oh, for God's sake!" snapped Joker. "See what you've done, Mr. Q?" he demanded, rounding on him. "Now the kiddies think they're seeing your stupid Nazi monster!"

"There's nothing out there," said Ivy, who had opened the window and peeked her head out. "Certainly no monster."

"I saw him!" exclaimed J.J. "He was huge and furry and had big horns and teeth…"

"Just like Grandpa said," agreed Arleen, nodding.

"You know, it was probably Bats," said Joker, joining Ivy at the window. "He's probably let himself go and hasn't shaved in a while. Or hey, it could even be Manbat! Everyone remember him?"

"Goodness yes, is he still around?" asked Crane.

"I thought he and his wife had left Gotham ages ago," spoke up Tetch.

"Yeah, last I heard they had joined some bat colony in South America," said Two-Face. "I doubt they're back for Christmas."

"Well, you never know," said Joker, shrugging. "But what I do definitely, 100% know is that there's no such thing as…"

But Joker trailed off, his face becoming even paler than usual, which was saying something. He thought he had seen a shape in the shadows, a large, furry shape with huge horns, sharp teeth, big yellow eyes, and a forked tongue staring at him from the darkness. He shook his head, looked again, and the figure had vanished. Joker dismissed it as his imagination, and he shut the window, turning to his children with a smile. "There's no such thing as Krampus," he finished.


	3. Chapter 3

"So he thought mixing his DNA with a vampire bat was the way to come up with a solution for curing deafness?" asked Mr. Quinzel, as they all gathered in the living room after dinner. "Is there any scientific basis at all for that theory?"

"The science is dubious, I'll grant you," said Crane. "But so much science is."

"Speaking of dubious science, weren't you experimenting with some sort of mind control the last time we met, Mr. Tetch?" asked Mrs. Quinzel.

"Oh yes, but that's not dubious," said Tetch, waving his hand. "I've mastered mind control and alternate reality simulators, and now I'm looking into time travel."

"It's like a checklist of dubious science," said Joker. "Or things that people who know nothing about science think scientists do. Looking at you, Greenleaf," he muttered under his breath.

"Now Joker, one never knows what's impossible in science until one tries it," retorted Tetch. "It's just a shame it all ended so badly for Dr. Langstrom."

"I'm telling you, I don't think it did," said Two-Face. "I think his wife also bat-transformed herself, and they're ruling a bat colony in South America as some kinda super bat monarchy. I think they're as happy as despotic rulers can be."

"I think it was the same for Victor Freeze and his wife – she turned herself like him and they went off to the Arctic to be together," said Harley. "I guess that's better for a lotta people – Gotham ain't the ideal place to raise a family if either of those couples are thinking of starting one."

"Well, Batsy has his bat-family," pointed out Joker. "But then they do tend to die fairly quickly, thanks to yours truly."

"Yeah, and he stalks our family as revenge," muttered Harley, glancing out the window again as she hugged her children, who didn't leave her embrace.

"Who wants to hear a joke?" asked Joker, trying to lighten the mood. Nobody responded, but Joker continued anyway. "What did Santa Claus say when he saw the Gotham City Sirens? Ho, ho, ha."

"That doesn't make any sense," snapped Ivy.

"Sure it does," said Joker. "Don't you get it? I doubt you would, since it's not complimentary towards you – it implies that you and Selina are hos, and that Harley is funny, hence the ha."

"Aw, thanks, puddin'," said Harley, beaming at him.

"Don't thank him for a joke that insults your friends!" snapped Ivy. "And anyway, who's to say he didn't mean Harley as one of the hos?"

"Because Harley isn't that," retorted Joker. "It's only funny because it's true."

"Pam, let it go," said Two-Face. "It's Christmas, after all."

"It's not a child-friendly joke either," snapped Ivy. "Haven't your kids been traumatized enough tonight?"

"Not by me – blame Herr Quinzel and his messed up Nazi monsters," retorted Joker.

"It wasn't meant to frighten anyone – it's just a story my parents would tell me to make me behave around Christmas," said Mr. Quinzel. "They could have just told me Santa wouldn't bring me presents, but this way you're sure to behave on pain of death."

"Or they could have just told you the truth, that they wouldn't get you any presents if you didn't behave," retorted Katrina. "Frankly, some horrible monster who eats children doesn't sound any more nonsensical to me than a fat man who slides down chimneys delivering presents."

"Well, one actually happens, and one's a terrible lie made up by terrible people to frighten children," snapped Joker. "You sound a lot like your old man, and that's not a compliment, kid."

"She's fiercely intelligent, if that's what you mean, and also not afraid of fictional monsters," retorted Crane. "Which your children seem to be."

"We saw it," snapped J.J. "It was real."

"Your Daddy's right – it was probably Batman," said Harley. "Not that having him hanging around would actually be better…"

"We've seen Batman," retorted Arleen. "It wasn't Batman."

"Maybe you were just so afraid of seeing it, that you just imagined it…" began Harley.

"Or you imagined it _because_ you were afraid of seeing it," interrupted Crane, standing up suddenly. "Maybe it was a result of my fear toxin."

"What, it sticks to you now?" demanded Joker. "Or do you just wear it like cologne like a freak?"

"Of course not – why would I want to frighten my own family?" demanded Crane. "But if my suspicions were correct, and if someone did get a hold of my fear toxin, maybe there's been a chemical attack on your home which is affecting your children."

"Ok, first of all, why would anyone want to frighten my kids?" demanded Joker. "They're adorable."

"You obviously think so, but that opinion is definitely not universal," retorted Crane. "And perhaps whoever this is is targeting you via your children, knowing that one of your rare soft spots is them. Maybe it's a way of hurting you by hurting them."

"Well, if that's true, whoever is doing that is dead," retorted Joker. "But second of all, if this is a fear gas attack, how come only my kiddies are affected? Wouldn't we all be hallucinating monsters?"

"Unless the attack wasn't made here," spoke up Harley. "What if it happened while you were out ice-skating with the kiddies?"

"Maybe," agreed Joker, nodding slowly. "It would explain why we're… _they're_ the only ones seeing this Krampus thing."

"You aren't seeing anything, are you, puddin'?" asked Harley.

"Of course not – I told you, Craney's fear crap doesn't work on me," snapped Joker. "Well, we need to figure out who's behind this immediately and make them pay for trying to ruin Christmas with a lotta terrifying visions," he said, standing up suddenly. "Kiddies are meant to have visions of sugar plums on Christmas Eve, not of child-eating monsters!"

"Puddin', it's Christmas," said Harley. "It's a time to spend together as a family, not to go off alone and hunt down enemies. We'll just keep the kiddies inside where we can protect them until after Christmas, and then we can track down whoever did this and murder them horribly. But I will not have this special holiday ruined by you trying to kill somebody when this is meant to be the season of peace and togetherness. It kinda goes against the spirit of the whole thing."

"All right, I guess I can wait," muttered Joker in disappointment, sitting back down and folding his arms sulkily across his chest. "But you kiddies better get to bed before the big man comes," he said, glancing at the clock. "It's getting kinda late."

"Can you stay with us tonight, Daddy?" pleaded Arleen.

"Or at least tell us a story?" begged J.J.

"I would, kiddies, but I'm gonna be up trying to catch a glimpse of Santa during the night," said Joker. "I'll be in there shortly for storytime though, don't you worry. Now go brush your teeth – I promise, there's nothing to be afraid of in the bathroom."

"I bet there's nothing to be afraid of anyway," muttered J.J., as he and his sister scrubbed their teeth in front of the mirror. "If this is all because of Uncle Jonathan's fear toxin, it means we're just imagining all this, and none of it is real."

"That thing we saw looked real to me," retorted Arleen.

"Well, the mind makes imaginary things seem real under the influence of Uncle Jonathan's fear toxin," replied J.J. "But I'm actually a little annoyed that we're afraid of something that doesn't even exist. I think we're a little old to be frightened of imaginary things."

"That's nonsense – you're never too old to be frightened of imaginary things if you don't know which things are real and which are imaginary," said a familiar voice.

"Alice, what are you doing here?" demanded Arleen.

"If your father is telling a bedtime story, I'd like to hear it," replied Alice. "I was quite taken with the version he did of _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ , although you mustn't tell Uncle Jervis that, since he was most offended by the interpretation and has banned me from speaking about it."

"Well, the more the merrier, as Dad would say," replied J.J., as they all three headed into their bedroom. "Katrina, are you here for Daddy's story too?" he asked, as he noticed Katrina Crane sitting on the floor reading.

"No, I'm just here to read some of your books," she replied. "It's much more interesting than whatever the grown-ups are talking about in the living room."

"I didn't know you could read yet," said Arleen.

"Oh yes, of course I can," replied Katrina. "Practically since I learned to talk. Mother said I was born with a book in my hand, although I think she must have meant that metaphorically. Or else it would have been very awkward for her."

"Why? Do you know where babies come from?" asked J.J.

"Of course. You don't?" asked Katrina.

J.J. opened his mouth to respond, when they all suddenly heard a noise by the window. "What was that?" whispered Arleen.

"Probably your imagination," said Katrina. "You'll hear and see a lot of things thanks to my father's fear toxin."

"But didn't you hear that too?" asked J.J.

"What, that scratching on the window?" asked Katrina. "Yes. But I suspect it's a cat."

"Maybe it is," said Arleen, slowly. "Maybe we saw a cat, but we hallucinated it as Krampus."

"There's only one way to find out," retorted her brother, heading toward the window.

"J.J., don't be stupid!" hissed Arleen. "Come back! If it is a monster, it'll eat you!"

"Daddy said there's no such thing as Krampus," retorted J.J. "I believe him. And I'm not going to be afraid of imaginary things any longer."

"Foolish decision," commented Alice, as J.J. threw open the window and looked around. There was nothing there, and he let out a sigh of relief.

"See?" he asked, turning back to them. "Just our imagination…"

But the three girls let out a sudden scream, and as J.J. turned back around, he joined them. For standing directly in front of him, as plain as could be, was a giant, hairy, horned beast with a forked tongue sticking out from its horrible, sharp-toothed smile, and carrying a big sack. Which was suddenly thrown over the children, enveloping them in darkness.


	4. Chapter 4

The scream alerted the entire household, who immediately raced to the twins' bedroom.

"Oh my God, what the hell?!" screamed Harley, as she saw the open window, but no trace of the children. "Leenie! J.J.!" she cried, instantly following Joker as he dived out of the window, looking around the empty rooftop.

"There's no one here," he said.

"Well, somebody took them!" snapped Harley. "Unless you're suggesting they screamed because they suddenly lost their minds and headed out on their own voluntarily on Christmas Eve!"

"Where's Alice?" asked Tetch, looking around. "She said she wanted to socialize with your children."

"And where's Katrina?" asked Crane, doing the same. "I can't imagine she wanted to socialize, but she did wander off in this direction."

"Jonathan, look," said Emilia, pointing to an open book on the floor.

"Oh…God," stammered Crane, kneeling down beside it. "Katrina was reading this."

"How can you tell?" asked Tetch.

"She's corrected these typos," said Crane, indicating a crayon-circled word. "I taught her to do that. And she wouldn't have left this one uncorrected voluntarily."

"But that doesn't make sense!" exclaimed Harley. "How could someone have kidnapped four kids and instantly disappeared? Even Batman wouldn't be that efficient, especially not with our kids resisting him. Puddin'?" she asked, as she noticed Joker's unsmiling face picking something off the window ledge. "What is it?"

"It wasn't Bats," he said, studying it. "This is fur."

"Fur?" repeated Harley. "I don't understand. Why would an animal want to kidnap our kiddies?"

"It's no animal," said Joker, slowly. "I saw it earlier."

"You saw what earlier?" demanded Harley.

"That thing Mr. Q described," said Joker. "Krampus."

"No, that's impossible!" exclaimed Mr. Quinzel. "It doesn't exist! It's just a stupid story to frighten children into behaving…"

"This Krampus is what, some sort of monster?" asked Tetch.

"Some sort of fictional monster, yes!" exclaimed Mr. Quinzel. "He supposedly carries a giant bag to take away naughty children, but he's not real!"

"Well, a hallucination didn't kidnap the kiddies!" shouted Joker. "And if Krampus is somehow supernatural, that could explain how he managed to kidnap them all at once and disappear without a trace!"

"But it's impossible!" shouted Mr. Quinzel.

"Technically, nothing is impossible," said Tetch, slowly. "Does this Krampus creature look a bit demonic, by chance?"

"Sure, I guess," said Mr. Quinzel. "If you believe in that kinda thing."

"Well, belief is all it takes to make something real, isn't it?" asked Tetch. "Whether or not something is objectively real, as long as one believes strongly enough in it, it basically is real, in their mind, anyway, which is really the only place reality exists, after all..."

"Craney, punch him – he's stuck on nonsense again," said Joker. "That's how you fix a broken record, hit it a couple times…"

"All I'm saying is that there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy," retorted Tetch. "Obviously including this Krampus creature. But if we need to find a demon, we should probably contact somebody who would know something about an entity like that."

"Which would be?" demanded Joker.

"Quite obvious, really," replied Tetch. "A witch."

"That's sexist, you jerk," snapped Ivy. "A witch is a label invented by the patriarchy in order to keep women down and deny them autonomy – that's why only women were persecuted for being witches."

"Actually, in early modern Europe, many men were persecuted for being witches too, in some regions more than women…" began Emilia.

"And I'm actually not talking about a female witch," said Tetch. "I'm talking about a boy. Klarion the Witch Boy, in fact."

"Who the hell is that?" demanded Joker.

"What an appropriate phrase," said Tetch. "Though contrary to popular theology, many witches do not derive from some Satanic pact, but rather from another dimension called Witch World of the Beyond Country…"

"Ok, ok, ok, stop," said Joker, holding up his hand. "Are you seriously telling me that my kids were kidnapped by an actual demon, and that our only hope of finding this demon is to get in contact with an actual witch kid from another dimension?"

"Yes, but fortunately he lives locally here in Gotham," said Tetch, nodding. "I've encountered him several times, and he can be quite reasonable if he likes you. If he doesn't, however, I'd hate to be on the receiving end of this particular child's bad temper – he turned his parents into mice which he fed to his familiar, Teekl the cat."

"You realize that nothing you're saying makes any sense, right?" demanded Joker.

"You were the one telling your children Santa Claus exists," muttered Crane under his breath.

"Naturally nothing I'm saying makes sense," agreed Tetch. "Such a situation makes no sense, and yet, here we are. If we want our children back, we must deal with the situation as it is, not as one that makes sense. So who's going with me to see Klarion?"

"Well, me for damn sure," said Harley. "I ain't afraid of a witch kid. And magic powers or no magic powers, if he doesn't help me find my kids, I'm beating him to death with my hammer."

"Maybe threats of violence aren't the best negotiating tactic with him," said Tetch, slowly. "Perhaps you should let me do the talking…"

"All right, me and Harl and Jervis will go, and maybe the Weed since she's sorta got magic powers," said Joker, nodding. "I guess they could be useful in dealing with witches. Plus she's a word that rhymes with 'witch,' so maybe this kid is a kindred spirit."

"I'm going with you to rescue my child, thank you," snapped Crane.

"And I'm going to stay here with a gun in my hand to protect our other two," said Emilia, nodding. "Not that I think they could possibly have been naughty, since they're too young to even talk, but you never know what this demon considers bad behavior."

"A gun might not be the most helpful thing in the world against the supernatural – why don't you borrow my cross?" asked Tetch, taking it off from around his neck. "It would only enrage Klarion if he saw it, reminding him of the Christian persecution of witches, but it should be quite effective against demons cast out from Christianity. Unless they're a demon cast out by the Jewish religion, but you have two people here who should know how to deal with those," he said, nodding at Mr. and Mrs. Quinzel.

"Why...would we know how to do that?" asked Mr. Quinzel, slowly.

"You mean your religion doesn't cover what to do in the event of a demon attack?" asked Tetch, surprised.

"No. Does yours?" asked Mr. Quinzel.

"No, but it's always best to research these things and be prepared for any eventuality," said Tetch.

"I'll stay here and provide Emilia with firepower, if necessary," said Two-Face, withdrawing both of his pistols.

"I think I'll…stick to doing the dishes," said Mrs. Quinzel, slowly.

"Look, I feel kinda responsible for this, as unbelievable as it sounds, so if there's anything I can do…" began Mr. Quinzel.

"Help Mom with the dishes, if you don't mind," said Harley, hugging him. "And don't worry, Dad. We're getting 'em back."


	5. Chapter 5

The children were dumped out of the bag and landed face-first on the hard, metal floor with a thud. J.J. was the first to scramble to his feet, but he didn't get far as the cell door was slammed in his face, leaving him looking ineffectually out of the small, barred cage they were confined in, barely big enough for all four of them to crouch down in. He saw the monster he had seen before cross the room over to a giant cauldron, and begin to build a fire.

"You let us outta here right now, or you'll be sorry!" snapped J.J., with more courage than he felt. "Our parents are gonna kill you for kidnapping us!"

"They won't find you or me, little brat," growled the monster. "We are in a place hidden from mortal eyes. And if by some miracle they do ever find it, they will be too late to rescue you – they will find only your bones gnawed clean," he added, with a wicked grin.

"You don't scare me," said J.J. "There are a lotta monsters in this city, but I don't believe there's any monster who's actually gonna eat children."

"Not raw, certainly," agreed Krampus, nodding. "Long ago, that used to be the only way I could feed – devour the children and disappear. But now that I have this sanctuary, I can take my time and savor my meals. Cook them, even – there is nothing like boiled naughty child, rare and tender and melting off the bone."

Krampus's forked tongue licked its lips as it blew out a breath of flame, and lit the fire under the cauldron. "But we're not naughty children!" exclaimed Arleen. "Daddy says we're very well behaved!"

"As does my guardian," agreed Alice Tetch.

"And my parents both say I'm an excellent role model for my younger siblings," spoke up Katrina Crane.

"You are all naughty children!" snapped Krampus. "Your parents are no judges of right and wrong – they too are wrongdoers, and so their praising of your behavior only proves how naughty you are! I know whereof I speak – I have a friend in this city who told me of you and your parents. It is better you are devoured before you can grow up to be as vile, evil, and insane as they are."

"My Uncle Jervis is not evil!" snapped Alice. "And he was certified sane some time ago!"

"Your Uncle Jervis did something very naughty this year," replied Krampus. "And my friend also considered it quite insane. I have known my friend for thousands of years, and he does not lie. He says the wicked must be punished, and he is right. I am merely the instrument sent to enact that punishment. It is justice."

"You sound a lot like Batman," commented Katrina. "With your black and white viewpoints about wrong and right while actually doing something terribly wrong yourself by kidnapping children but not acknowledging the hypocrisy of your own action. Is Batman your friend?"

"I know of no Batman," said Krampus. "Though his name reminds me of a vampire – does he originate from the depths of hell?"

"Not that I know of," said Katrina. "But it's possible, I suppose."

"It would actually explain a lot," agreed Arleen, nodding.

"Look, your friend is mistaken!" snapped J.J. "Even if he's right about our parents, which he isn't, why are we responsible for whatever they've done wrong? It wasn't our choice to be their kids!"

"The sins of the father shall be visited upon the son," replied Krampus. "If you were allowed to grow up, you would follow in the footsteps of your parents. It is better that you are stopped now, for the good of mankind. And it has been many years since I have had so bountiful a feast. The people of my native land do not believe in me any longer – I am dismissed as a superstition, a fairy-tale, a story made up to frighten children. As belief in me wanes, so does my strength. I am grateful to my friend for summoning me from the forests of my native land to this place, and for providing me with such nourishment so that I will grow strong again. And devouring such wicked, healthy children will more than replenish my strength," he added, heading over to add some herbs and spices to the bubbling cauldron.

"Technically speaking, there's only one son here," pointed out Katrina. "So you should let the rest of us go and eat him."

"Hey, don't say he should eat my brother!" snapped Arleen.

"She does make a good point logically though," commented Alice. "It doesn't say the sins of the mother shall be visited upon the daughter, and neither Katrina's nor my mother was a criminal. Theoretically, it's just the two of you who should be eaten, having both parents who are criminals."

"You two are not helping the situation!" snapped J.J. "Could we maybe talk to this friend of yours?" he asked, turning back to Krampus. "I'm sure this is all just a simple misunderstanding between us, which we could work out in person, so nobody would have to be eaten."

"He will be joining me for dinner," said Krampus, nodding. "But your words to him will necessarily be brief, since you will begin to broil then. You mustn't cook for too long or your flesh will burn, and I want it tender, so it melts off the bone."

"You know, we're all pretty skinny," said J.J., looking around. "I don't think you're gonna get a lotta meat off us anyway. It'd be a shame to eat a meal and still feel hungry afterward – I'd say it's kinda a waste of your time, really. Maybe you should just let us go and go find some other kids who are a little more plump, and maybe actually naughty."

"You protest your innocence, and then attempt to trick me out of eating you?" asked Krampus. "What else would you call that but naughty?"

"I'd call it self-preservation, personally…" began Katrina.

"Silence!" interrupted Krampus, heading over to a lever which he turned, raising the cage off the ground and over the bubbling cauldron. "Just wait there while I set the table, in preparation for my friend's arrival. I would enjoy your last few minutes of life if I were you – when Etrigan arrives, we will feast on your flesh."

He left the room. "Who's Etrigan?" whispered Arleen.

"I don't know – I never heard that name before," said Alice.

"And I'm sure I never read it," agreed Katrina.

J.J. said nothing, trying to examine the cage for some way out. "Maybe we can fiddle this lock – does anyone have anything that we could use as a tool?" he asked.

Alice reached a hand up and pulled out a hairpin. "I shall have to ruin my carefully coiffed curls, but will that work?"

"It's worth a try," said J.J., taking it from her and jamming it into the lock.

"Why don't we try shaking the cage closer to the lever?" asked Arleen. "Maybe I can grab the rope and pull us down, like in a pulley system."

"That's good thinking," agreed Katrina, trying to shake the cage.

"Have you ever picked a lock before?" asked Alice of J.J.

"No, but we don't have a lotta options if we don't wanna get eaten," retorted J.J. "We just gotta try whatever we can to escape, or hope our parents show up, or both."

"How much time do you think we've got?" asked Katrina, as Arleen seized the rope and began sliding the cage down it.

"No idea," said J.J. "I have no idea what time it is now, or what time this Etrigan is expected. I don't even know if it's still Christmas Eve. But I do know that all I want for Christmas is to not be eaten by Krampus."


	6. Chapter 6

"Klarion?" called Jervis Tetch, as he pushed open the door to a large, finely-furnished apartment. "Are you home?"

"Are you sure a child lives here?" asked Crane, looking around. "By the looks of these furnishings and decorations, this place belongs to someone much more mature."

"Klarion is an old soul," replied Tetch. "In more ways than one. Klarion? Teekl? It's Uncle Jervis!"

"Hey, cool, a sword!" said Joker, heading over to a blade stuck into a stone. "That'll probably come in useful for demon-hunting, huh?"

He reached for it, but a cat suddenly pounced out of the shadows, hissing and scratching at his hand.

"Please don't touch Excalibur," said a voice, as the figure of a boy dressed all in black emerged from the darkness. "You might succeed in pulling it from the stone, and we don't want you accidentally being crowned king of all England, do we? That would make things very awkward for the current royal family."

"I dunno – might be a good joke," said Joker, shrugging. "And reverting back to an actual monarchy might help them sort out this Brexit mess they seem to find themselves in."

"Please don't joke about Brexit," muttered Tetch. "It's not funny in any way."

"Now Uncle Jervis, you know the legend," said the boy, as the cat hissed at Joker once more, and then sauntered over to the boy, leaping onto his shoulder and nuzzling him. "In Britain's darkest hour, King Arthur will rise from his slumber in Avalon and return to save the nation. I for one eagerly await his return, so I look forward to the darkest hour, however that is brought about."

"Well, that would certainly be a sight to see," agreed Tetch. "Speaking of sights, you're looking well, Klarion."

"I am very well, thank you," he said, stroking the cat who had hopped down into his arms. "Where is cousin Alice this evening? And who are these strangers you have brought to my house?"

"The two questions have related answers," said Tetch. "Alice has been taken."

"Taken?" repeated Klarion, raising an eyebrow. "By whom?"

"By what is the more appropriate question," replied Tetch. "Some sort of demon called Krampus."

"Ah yes, Krampus," said Klarion, nodding. "A native demon of Germany, if I'm not mistaken. Why would he have come to Gotham?"

"Why does anyone?" asked Tetch. "Certainly not for the weather."

"No," agreed Klarion. "But where are my manners? Come inside, all of you – Teekl, please serve our guests some refreshment. I know Uncle Jervis is a fan of tea."

"How is a cat gonna serve tea…" began Joker, when the cat suddenly transformed into a cat-like woman, sauntering toward the kitchen. Joker gave a low whistle, watching her leave. "Man, Batsy should check out that pussy cat," he murmured. "I know kitties are his type."

"I don't know that we really have time for tea or anything," said Harley, elbowing Joker as they all followed Klarion into the dining room. "See, all our kiddies were taken by this Krampus thing, and we want them back ASAP…"

"Naturally," interrupted Klarion. "But there's always time for tea and introductions, isn't there?"

"Of course there is," said Tetch, shooting a warning look at Harley. "Klarion, this is the Joker and Harley Quinn, Professor Jonathan Crane, and Pamela Isley, otherwise known as Poison Ivy."

"Of course, I've heard of all of you," said Klarion. "You in particular, Miss Ivy – I have an especial fondness for strong, powerful women bent on world domination. Morgaine le Fey is an idol of mine, and you remind me very much of her."

"Well, thank you, Klarion - it's nice for a young man to have a female role model," said Ivy. "Makes a refreshing change from toxic masculine ones."

"Yeah, instead he's got a toxic feminine one," agreed Joker, nodding. "Literally."

"Well, the best witches have always been female," said Klarion, as Teekl returned with a tea tray. "If I hope to one day reach their level of greatness, I must study their powers. And children, like women, are so often underestimated by society. But we can use this to our advantage by appearing meek and mild while hiding our true power until the time is right to crush our enemies and take them by surprise."

"What a wise child you are," said Ivy, smiling at him as Klarion poured the tea and handed her a cup.

"It's not made from plants," he reassured her. "It's a special tea of my own creation made from a blend of powdered newt's eyes and lizard's tails."

Joker had just taken a sip of his own tea, but choked, spitting it out. "Just drink the tea," muttered Tetch, who reluctantly sipped his.

"Now you were saying cousin Alice has been taken by Krampus?" asked Klarion, sipping from his cup. "Why would that be? Doesn't he only kidnap naughty children? Cousin Alice is never naughty."

"No, which is why it doesn't make sense," agreed Tetch.

"Yes, _that's_ why it doesn't make sense for a demon of legend to have kidnapped children in the 21st century," muttered Crane, sipping his own tea.

"Oh dear, you still believe time to be a linear concept, Professor Crane?" asked Klarion. "Has all your study not disabused you of that notion?"

"Jonathan has not studied time travel in particular like we have," replied Tetch. "He has no expertise in that field – fear is his specialty."

"All the more reason to believe in and respect ancient legends," replied Klarion. "Fear is not entirely born of imagination, as I believe you know, Professor Crane. There are valid reasons why humanity once feared these demons, specifically because they exist."

"If they exist, why don't people fear them now?" asked Crane.

"Because at the moment, we exist in such a rational, cynical age," replied Klarion. "But like a wheel, these beliefs come back around as superstition and fear once more begin to take control of humanity. The human race goes through peaks and troughs of understanding that the supernatural is indeed natural, but then has moments of arrogance where it believes it knows everything about the seen and unseen world. Which is why time is not linear – all things return in the never-ending cycle that is eternity."

"Gosh, I would love to talk about the Circle of Life all day, and maybe sing a couple more songs from _The Lion King_ too _,_ but it just so happens that our kids are in danger having been kidnapped by a demon, so I wonder if we can speed up the process of rescuing them," voiced Harley again.

"You mustn't fret, Miss Quinn – children are remarkably resourceful," said Klarion, as Teekl transformed back into a cat and settled herself on his lap. "Look at me, for instance," he added, petting her.

"Well, my kiddies don't have transforming animal sidekicks that might help them fight demons," said Harley. "Or any kinda magic powers, really…"

"Cousin Alice does not have Dinah with her?" asked Klarion, turning to Tetch. "I specifically gifted her her own familiar to protect her should such a situation ever arise."

"We didn't bring Dinah to the Christmas party, no," said Tetch. "She doesn't like to travel in the car – it upsets her stomach."

"There are pills for that, you know," replied Klarion. "You should never leave a familiar behind, otherwise it can't do its job and it sulks. Cousin Alice will have a very grumpy cat when she returns home."

"No doubt," agreed Tetch. "But in order for Alice to return home to Dinah, we do need to find out where this Krampus is and rescue her."

"Oh, very well," sighed Klarion, standing up and heading over to a table upon which sat a crystal ball. "I suppose I do owe you a favor, Uncle Jervis."

"You owe me rather a few," retorted Tetch. "Did I or did I not release you from your imprisonment in that crystal ball?"

"You did," agreed Klarion. "Uncle Jason must have been furious – I wish I could have seen the look on his face when he returned to his home to find me gone!" he giggled.

"Wait, this kid was imprisoned?" asked Joker. "For what?"

"He went on a small rampage a few months ago," said Tetch. "Harnessed a demon to cause some terror, destroyed a movie theater and a cake shop and an ice cream truck, and derailed a train and knocked down some random buildings. And then he was locked up in a crystal ball, which I thought was a rather harsh punishment, considering. Children will be children, after all."

"Yeah, I like him," said Joker, nodding. "Pointless destruction for his own pleasure – good for you, kiddo," he said, clapping him on the back.

"Please don't touch me," said Klarion, whirling around to glare at him. "I am not a fan of human contact."

"Well, you and me both," agreed Joker. "I really relate to this kid, except for the whole female role model thing. And the magic powers, I guess, although I ain't seen those so far."

Klarion passed his hands over the crystal ball, chanting in an unknown language until an image was revealed in the sphere. "Ah, he seeks to hide Krampus and the children in the Spirit Realm," murmured Klarion, gazing at it.

"Who seeks to hide them?" asked Tetch.

"Uncle Jason," said Klarion. "I might have known he was behind this. I daresay he was hoping Krampus would find me in his search for naughty children tonight, and bring me back to him to be devoured. But that appears to be a fate reserved for your children."

"Nobody's eating my babies!" shrieked Harley.

"I knew a Jason once – this guy doesn't like plants, does he?" asked Ivy, nervously.

"No, this is Jason Blood, an immortal knight from King Arthur's realm bound forever by Merlin to the demon Etrigan," said Klarion.

"Well, naturally," sighed Crane. "That all makes perfect sense."

"I am disappointed that an educated man such as yourself still believes that the world makes sense," replied Klarion. "The universe is vast, and nothing in it is bound by the concept of sense."

"How do we get to the Spirit Realm?" demanded Harley. "I don't want to waste another second when my kiddies' lives are in danger!"

"You would need to be teleported there by one who knows the spells with which to enter," replied Klarion. "Fortunately I do. But it will take a lot of energy to transport all of you."

"Can you manage it?" asked Tetch.

"I can," said Klarion, nodding. "But I shall need a biscuit afterward to recover my strength. Perhaps some of those delightful scones you make, Uncle Jervis, or maybe a mince pie or two."

"I shall make as many as you like as long as you get us there now," said Tetch.

"I shall need a bond to seal the terms of the deal," said Klarion, holding out his hand.

"Yeah, sure, let's shake and move this along," said Joker, knocking Tetch out of the way and seizing Klarion's hand. He gasped in pain as he felt a sharp burning in his palm, and ripped his hand away to see that it had been cut with a small blade, which Klarion licked clean of his blood.

"Blood bond," he said, holding up his hand. "The only way to make a pact with a witch."

"That's worse than my joy buzzer!" exclaimed Joker. His face broke into a grin. "Way to go, kiddo – I like you more and more every minute! He's got a bag of tricks just like me, Harl!"

"And that's great, he's a wonderful, clever child, but he really needs to get us to our kids now," said Harley, whose smile was quivering and clearly about to break.

"Don't agitate yourself, Miss Quinn," said Klarion, taking his hand with the blade and inserting it into the crystal ball. He held out his free hand. "Just take hold of my hand, and keep hold of each other's hands, whatever happens, so the chain is not broken. You will be reunited with your children soon."

Harley grabbed his hand, while Joker grabbed hers, and the others followed suit. Klarion murmured some more words, there was a blinding flash of light, and they all disappeared.


	7. Chapter 7

"J.J.! Hurry up! He's coming back!" hissed Arleen, as she heard two voices coming from the neighboring room, heading in their direction.

"I think I've almost got it," whispered J.J., tinkering with the hairpin some more.

"Or you could let me do it," said Alice.

"Have you ever picked a lock before?" demanded J.J.

"Yes," replied Alice, nodding. "My uncle taught me how to do it – he thought it might be a useful life skill a child should know."

"Why didn't you mention that before?" demanded Arleen.

"I asked J.J. if he had ever picked a lock before, and he said no – I thought he would have returned the question," said Alice. "It's only polite. Like when someone asks you how you are, and you say, 'Very well, thank you, how are you?' The proper etiquette would have been 'Have you ever picked a lock before?' 'No, have you?' To which I could have responded in the affirmative…"

"Whatever, just get to it!" hissed J.J., stepping out of the way. Alice traded places with him, shifting the hairpin a few times so it clicked.

"There we go," she said, pushing open the door. Arleen had managed to lower the cage to the ground, so the four children scurried out.

"Quickly, pull it back up so he doesn't notice we're gone!" hissed Katrina. Working together, they did just that, and had just enough time to conceal themselves before the door to the room opened, and Krampus re-entered, followed by another horrible-looking creature.

"Of course, being a demon from hell, most of what we do is only interpreted as evil, when the opposite is often true," Krampus was saying. "I'm sure you understand, Etrigan. While objectively it seems like eating children is a horrible thing to do, sometimes you have to do horrible things to preserve peace and order."

"Exactly right," said the other demon, Etrigan. "Do you know what happened the last time a naughty child was given free reign in this town? He caused an insane amount of destruction by getting ahold of Morgaine le Fay's branding iron which he enslaved me with. He still needs to be punished for that."

"Well, I found four naughty children in one location, which I thought would be more than a meal for both of us," Krampus replied. "Two each, and it saves me from scouring the city all night looking for this one particularly naughty child."

"Yes, the wicked must be punished whatever their crime," said Etrigan, nodding. "My master taught me that."

"How is Jason Blood?" asked Krampus, as he added a few more logs to the fire.

"As sanctimonious as he usually is," sighed Etrigan. "I think I've just been attached to him so long that I've gotten used to it, and obviously he's rubbed off a little on me. You know what brought down Camelot was merely the imperfections of mankind – left unchecked, they destroy paradise. And they start off with very harmless things that people brush off as just a little naughty, but those naughty things grow to huge consequences."

"Would you describe Arthur sleeping with his half-sister as a little naughty?" asked Krampus.

"Well, he didn't know it was his half-sister," retorted Etrigan. "And how could he know their union would produce a son that would eventually bring down his kingdom? Frankly, his wife's adultery with his best friend didn't help."

"That's another thing I wouldn't describe as a little naughty," said Krampus.

"The overarching point is that the faults, desires, and sins of man will ultimately destroy the peace and order they strive for," replied Etrigan. "And yet they refuse to take responsibility for their own innate darkness, and instead prefer to blame creatures like us for misleading them."

"Just like Batman," whispered Katrina.

"Shut up!" hissed J.J., who was hiding under the table next to her.

"Well, the water's hot, so we might as well begin," said Krampus, who hadn't heard them, heading over to the lever and lowering the cage toward the cauldron. "Goodbye, children – I would say you won't feel much pain, but boiling alive can be very painful, so I hear. Just be comforted by the fact that you're going on to a better place."

"Are they?" asked Etrigan.

"I don't know – probably not, but it's a comforting thing for mortals to hear before they meet whatever the afterlife has in store for them…" began Krampus. He paused when he saw that the cage was empty.

"Well? Where are these children?" asked Etrigan.

"I don't know," said Krampus, looking around. "I don't know how they could have gotten out of the cage…"

"Perhaps by magic," suggested Etrigan.

"But they're not witches!" exclaimed Krampus. "I don't think, anyway, but I'm not sure how else they could have escaped."

"Maybe we've been discovered," said Etrigan, looking around. "By another sorcerer. Maybe Klarion is here after all."

Krampus said nothing, sniffing the air. "Or maybe the children are still here," he murmured, crouching down. "I can smell children, especially children who are afraid."

The children tried their best not to feel afraid, but it was fairly impossible when they were stuck in a room with a monster who was going to eat them. They heard Krampus creeping around the room, his hooves clicking on the floor, and they heard him sniffing the air, growling softly. The curtain Arleen was hiding behind was suddenly pulled aside, and she screamed as Krampus seized her.

"You let go of my sister!" shouted J.J., rushing out from under the table and seizing a burning piece of wood from under the cauldron. He slashed this at Krampus, who merely seized hold of the flame in one hand, extinguishing it, and then grabbed J.J. around the throat.

"Fire has no effect on demons, little brat," he growled. "And your bravery has got you nowhere but the appetizer. Two Joker brats, parboiled!" he chuckled, lifting them up above the cauldron.

"Put my babies down!" shrieked a voice. Everyone turned to see Harley Quinn with her hammer raised, standing next to Joker wielding his gun, and Ivy with her crossbow pointed at the monster.

"Foolish mortals," growled Krampus. "Human weapons cannot hurt me."

"No, but this can," said Klarion, stepping forward and shooting a ray of light directly from his hands. Krampus roared in pain, dropping the children, who screamed as they headed toward the boiling water, but were caught just before hitting it by their parents.

"Klarion, I have been looking forward to seeing you again," growled Etrigan. "I realize now that locking you up was never the permanent solution I was hoping for, especially not with meddling mortals around to set you free."

"Oh, so you're the barbarian who locked him up," said Tetch. "Don't you know it's inhumane to do that to a child? They need their liberty, and fresh air and exercise…"

"This child destroyed an entire chunk of the city, you idiot!" roared Etrigan. "What children need are rules and discipline so they don't turn into the same kinds of creatures who destroy this city on a nightly basis, like you and your comrades!"

"My, my, someone's a little authoritarian for a demon from hell," said Tetch.

"Well, what do you expect from a demon who's friends with a Nazi demon?" asked Joker. "Nazis are authoritarians, and they're in hell!"

"He reminds me a little of Batman, actually," said Crane.

"That's what I said, Daddy!" exclaimed Katrina, racing into his arms.

"Teekl, get Alice so we can leave," said Klarion, as the cat hopped off his shoulder and transformed into her human form. "I can't hold this portal open for long."

Teekl obeyed, seizing Alice's hand and dragging her to the portal as everyone backed toward it.

"No, you will not escape!" shouted Krampus. "I will eat my fill of children tonight, witch or mortal, it matters not to me!"

He started forward to grab Klarion, when he waved his hands and a Christmas tree appeared in front of him. A Christmas tree which suddenly shot hundreds of pine needles at Krampus. "Seeing as it's Christmas, I think it's only fair that you get attacked by something from your native land, _O Tannenbaum_ ," said Klarion, with a grin. "Plus I thought Miss Ivy would appreciate the plant theme."

"I really do, Klarion," said Ivy, smiling at him. She raised her hands, and the branches of the tree wrapped themselves around Krampus, binding him. "He's not much to look at for a gift, but it's the thought that counts," she said, beaming.

"You're magnificent, Miss Ivy," breathed Klarion, but while he was temporarily distracted, Etrigan leaped forward, tackling him to the ground and making the portal disappear.

Krampus roared, exerting his full strength and breaking out of the prison of branches. Then he picked up Klarion around the throat. "Fine. I'll eat you raw," Krampus muttered, opening his mouth wide so his jaw detached and his forked tongue shot out.

Teekl leapt forward, hissing, and sliced Krampus across the face. Krampus dropped Klarion with a roar of pain, as Ivy shot crossbow bolts at him, which appeared to bounce off his fur. Joker joined her in firing bullets at the demons, but they appeared to have absolutely no effect.

"Jesus, I hate this supernatural crap!" exclaimed Joker, throwing down his gun. "Guns should be able to kill everything!"

"Jervis, what on earth can we do against them?" demanded Crane, clutching Katrina tightly.

"I'm thinking!" exclaimed Tetch.

"I can beat 'em!" shouted Harley, jumping forward and striking Etrigan with her hammer. He fell back with a roar. "Yeah, you felt that, didn't you?" she demanded. "Eat oversized mallet, demon freak!" she shouted, as her hammer collided with Krampus's face. "I'll teach you to try to eat my babies!"

"That's not an effective long-term solution…" began Tetch, but Klarion struggled to his feet, raising his hand and gesturing to her hammer.

"Allow me to make it more effective, Miss Quinn," he murmured, as he burned the symbol of the cross onto it.

"Actually, I'm Jewish, so I'm not really comfortable with Christian imagery…" began Harley.

"For God's sake, Harl, just hit 'em!" shouted Joker, and she obeyed, slamming the hammer into Krampus's face again. The demon howled, snarling and hissing in pain as the image of the cross burned him.

"Enough!" roared Etrigan, raising his hand so the hammer flew out of Harley's hand. "Get back, all of you meddling mortals!" he shouted, shoving his hand forward. The force pushed everyone back against the wall, except Klarion who still struggled against it, but everyone could see his power was waning fast.

"This is between us," growled Etrigan, as Krampus started forward, licking his lips with his eyes fixed on Klarion. "Between immortals who have existed for centuries. Before your pitiful little human race swarmed over the planet, we ruled it. We have been feared and worshipped since the dawn of time, and you do not possess the power to defeat us. We have always existed, and we always will exist, exerting our dominance over humanity and all who challenge us. We are your primal fears, and we will never be destroyed."

Klarion gave a final cry and then collapsed, but was instantly seized by Krampus, who lifted him up again, opening his mouth wide. "Yes, you will," said Tetch suddenly, quite calmly.

"What?" demanded Etrigan, facing him. "How dare you talk back to us, you pathetic mortal fool?"

"You will be destroyed," repeated Tetch, as he held Alice tightly. "Because we don't believe in you."

Etrigan stared at him, and Krampus suddenly dropped Klarion to the ground, flinching. "What?" gasped Etrigan.

"We don't believe in you," repeated Tetch, firmly. "You're nonsense. You're not real. You're not even a myth. You're something people used to believe in, in a dark, unenlightened age. But not anymore. Nobody believes in you anymore."

Krampus hissed in pain, covering his ears. "Shut up!" he hissed. "Etrigan, make him stop!"

"Silence, mortal fool!" roared Etrigan, starting toward him.

"You can't hurt me," said Tetch, staring him down. "Because I don't believe in you. And neither does my goddaughter, do you, Alice?"

Alice shook her head. "No, Uncle Jervis, I don't believe in them," she whispered.

Krampus fell to his knees, letting out another cry of pain. "I'm a rationalist," spoke up Crane. "I never believed in any of this nonsense. Demons indeed, it's pure fantasy."

"It is, Daddy," agreed Katrina. "I don't believe in fantasy."

"Etrigan, make them stop, please!" begged Krampus, rocking back and forth and trying to cover his ears. "Please…I can't…take it!"

"It's like your dad and I said, pooh," Joker said to Harley. "There's no such thing as Krampus. Isn't that right, kiddies?"

"There's no such thing as Krampus," repeated J.J.

"There's no such thing as Krampus," agreed Arleen.

"No, no, no!" cried Krampus, staring at his hands as they began to disappear. "No, this can't be happening! Etrigan, make them believe! They'll destroy me!"

"Did you hear someone talking?" asked Ivy. "Because I sure didn't. Klarion, you should come spend Christmas with us. It'll be fun – we'll read stories and exchange gifts and you'll be happy, just like children should be at Christmas. They don't have anything to fear at this time of the year, after all. There's absolutely nothing for children to be scared of at Christmas."

Krampus's final cry was choked as he suddenly disappeared. "No!" roared Etrigan. He rounded on Klarion in rage. "I'll get you for this, brat, if it's the last thing I do!"

"I think you'd better follow him, Etrigan," murmured Klarion, smiling. "After all, nobody here believes in you either, except me. And if I suddenly stopped, you'd disappear just like your little friend. But before you go, I would appreciate you re-opening the portal – you have more energy than me, at least until I stop believing in you."

Etrigan glared at him. "This isn't over, Klarion," he whispered, raising his hands. "I will have my revenge."

"Yes, I'm terrified of you and Uncle Jason," said Klarion, sarcastically. "Please give him my regards. Come, Teekl," he said, as the cat hopped up onto his shoulder again. "And everyone, take my hand and make a chain."

"I'll lead the chain this time, Harl," said Ivy, pushing in front of her and seizing Klarion's hand. Klarion smiled at her, and didn't notice J.J. glaring at him as he took Ivy's other hand.

"You better watch yourself, witch-boy," J.J. muttered, as they all disappeared into the portal. "Because I'm watching you."


	8. Chapter 8

"You're back! Did you find Kra…"

"Ixnay on the Rampus-kay!" interrupted Joker, cutting off Mr. Quinzel before he could finish the sentence. "We don't believe in that, Mr. Q, remember?"

"O…K…but then what the hell happened with the children?" he demanded, as the twins raced into the room, hugging their grandparents. "Where have you all been for the last hour?"

"You know, it's kinda hard to explain," said Harley, sharing a look with Joker.

"Who's this?" asked Mrs. Quinzel, as Klarion entered the room, holding Teekl and following Ivy.

"This is Klarion – he's a friend of Alice's from…school," stammered Tetch. "He…helped us find the children, so we thought the least we could do was invite him back to spend Christmas with us."

"I have never celebrated Christmas before," admitted Klarion. "Mostly because I am deeply suspicious of the holiday. Christianity has not been kind toward my people, and has often persecuted them."

"Oh? Are you Jewish?" asked Mrs. Quinzel.

"No, I'm a witch boy," said Klarion.

"A… _rich_ boy, is what he is," invented Tetch. "And you know how impossible it is for a rich person to enter heaven according to Christian belief. Poor Bruce Wayne's going to be in for the shock of his life after he dies, probably. Klarion, if I might have a word," he said, beckoning him over.

"Of course – excuse me, Miss Ivy," Klarion said, smiling at her.

"Oh, you can call me Aunt Ivy, Klarion," said Ivy, smiling back.

"No, he can't," snapped J.J., who immediately headed over to hug Ivy. "You're not his aunt – you're mine."

"I can be both your aunts - you can share me, can't you, J.J.?" asked Ivy.

"Not with him," muttered J.J., glaring at Klarion and his cat, who glared back and hissed at him.

"Klarion, this whole evening has been rather…disconcerting for everyone involved," said Tetch, slowly. "Those people who aren't used to dealing with the realms of the supernatural in particular. You know the hidden world which is all around us, but it's difficult for the normal person on the street to comprehend such a thing. And while I would never in any other circumstance call these people normal, I can't help but think that giving eccentric forms of humanity the knowledge of actual demons and witchcraft is a recipe for not only disaster, but for bringing the hidden world into the public view, which would lead to chaos. And you know how much I dislike chaos, don't you? It makes one late for tea."

"Well, I'm rather fond of chaos, Uncle Jervis, but I take your point," said Klarion, nodding. "We can't have the population at large knowing about the existence of the hidden world. Particularly if we don't want the demons to regain power when people start believing in them again."

"Exactly," said Tetch. "So I'm wondering if you can't use your power somehow and make everyone forget this night ever happened."

Klarion frowned. "But then Aunt Ivy would forget me."

"Well, I could re-introduce you afterward," said Tetch. "As Alice's school-friend who has a particular fondness for strong female role models. I think she would be just as impressed with you."

Klarion sighed heavily. "You're going to owe me a lot of mince pies," he muttered. "And scones and biscuits."

"Tomorrow I will make you a feast of baked goods," said Tetch, nodding. "But for my sake, and the sake of the children, please help them forget tonight. And then, if you wouldn't mind, help me figure out how I could invent a machine with such power. It has been mentioned multiple times by my friends and associates that a memory erasing machine would be very desirable in all sorts of awkward situations they find themselves in. Not that I would use it irresponsibly – only to spare people pain, as your power would be used for now."

"Oh, very well," sighed Klarion, raising his hands. "I suppose it does save a lot of explanation anyhow. If there's one thing I hate, it's an epilogue."

"Harley, why do you have a cross on your hammer?" asked Mr. Quinzel, just noticing it. "What on earth has been going on?"

Harley opened her mouth to explain when Klarion waved his hands, and reality appeared to be paused. "Let's see – we'll say they've been telling stories to make up for the lost time," said Klarion. "Isn't that the sort of thing one does on Christmas Eve?"

"Yes, maybe they've been telling scary stories – that was often what was done on Christmas Eve in the Victorian era, hence Charles Dickens' masterpiece _A Christmas Carol_ ," agreed Tetch, nodding. "They've been telling scary stories about demons, and they've lost track of the time. But now it's time for everyone to be in bed, so Santa can visit."

"Really?" asked Klarion, raising his eyebrow. "You're making them forget demons, but you expect them to believe in a fat, jolly gift-giver who travels to every house in the world all in one night?"

"I don't see the harm in that belief, do you?" asked Tetch.

"Aside from an eternal fear of strangers magically appearing in your house, I suppose not," replied Klarion. "Now we'll fix Harley's hammer," he added, waving his hand so that the cross image disappeared. "Replace Alice's hairpin which she seems to have lost," he continued, waving his hand again so her hair was pinned back in place. "Fix the cut on Joker's hand from the blood bond," he added, waving his hand again and healing Joker's skin. "And I believe everything looks to be as it was before the abduction," he concluded, looking around. "Now I shall go outside and ring the doorbell so I can pretend I just got here, and then you can introduce me to Aunt Ivy."

"Miss Ivy - you haven't met before, remember?" reminded Tetch, leading him to the door.

"Yes, yes," sighed Klarion. "Honestly, Uncle Jervis, you mustn't make a habit out of this, or indeed a device that has this power. Reality is confusing enough as it is without erasing parts of it, you know."

"Perhaps you're right," agreed Tetch, shutting the door on him. "Or perhaps I am," he muttered, as Klarion restarted reality again.

"I tell ya, I got so wrapped up in that story you were telling, Mr. Q, that I didn't notice the time," said Joker, glancing at his watch. "It's late, kiddies. You need to be in bed so Santa can visit."

"Yeah, grandpa's story about the demons was really, really good," said Arleen.

"But can't we stay up just a little longer?" pleaded J.J.

A knock came on the door. "Goodness, who on earth can that be at this hour on Christmas Eve?" asked Tetch, turning around to open it.

"It'd better not be that demon Dad was telling the story about," said Harley, reaching for her hammer.

"Harley, no, what if it's Santa?" demanded Joker, grabbing it away from her. "We don't wanna knock out Santa! That's something the Bat would do, and it's why he doesn't get any presents at Christmas except from me!"

"It's Klarion, Alice's friend from school," said Tetch, trying to feign surprise. "What brings you here this late on Christmas Eve, Klarion?"

"I just thought I'd say hi," said Klarion. "I don't celebrate Christmas myself, so I had completely forgotten it was tonight, but Uncle Jervis told me Alice would be here, and I wanted to drop off her present."

"She's already got a cat," commented Joker. "Don't wanna give her too many or she'll turn into Catwoman, and nobody wants to turn into Catwoman."

"No, Teekl is not the present – she's my fam…pet," finished Klarion. "Never go anywhere without her though. I did give Alice her pet cat Dinah last year, who I've got a collar for this year. Here you are, Alice," he said, handing her a gift box.

"Well, while you're here, let me introduce you," said Tetch. "Klarion, this is Poison Ivy."

"Miss Ivy, it's an absolute pleasure," said Klarion, kissing her hand. "I've heard so much about you, all of it positive. I am a huge fan of strong female role models, which you epitomize."

"Aw, that's sweet," said Ivy, smiling at him. "What a nice little boy you are. Please have a seat, Klarion, and Harvey, why don't you fetch him some of that punch Mrs. Quinzel made?"

"Yeah, I'd sure like to give the kid a punch," muttered Two-Face under his breath.

"Are you actually jealous of a child?" demanded Ivy.

"Yes," said both Two-Face and J.J. at the same time.

"You stay and talk to Ivy, Klarion, but I think I'm going to take Alice home to bed," said Tetch. "She shouldn't be awake when Santa arrives, after all."

"Yes, we too must be off," said Crane, standing up. "Not because of Santa, but because it's past my younger children's bedtime."

"Leenie, J.J., you go brush your teeth and we'll be in shortly to tuck you in," said Harley. "No buts," she interrupted, as they began to protest. "Your Daddy might have a story for you if you do that without complaining."

"I kinda feel like we've had enough story tonight," said Joker, as the children headed off. "It was clearly pretty long, and seemed really real…could've sworn my hand got cut at some point too," he murmured, looking at his palm. Then he shrugged. "But what do I know about reality?" he chuckled. "I really shouldn't be talking, should I?"

"No, you shouldn't," laughed Tetch. "Yes, it was a very engrossing story, but that's all it was. Stories aren't real, after all, no matter how real they might seem. But there is fiction, and there is reality, and the two should never be confused."

"You're one to talk," retorted Joker.

"I must say, as captivating as it was, it was ultimately a little too fantastical for my taste," Crane commented, as he helped Emilia and his children on with their coats. "While I do enjoy a good scare, I certainly don't believe in demons. That's really just a step too far into the realm of impossibility."

"Yes, quite right," agreed Tetch.

"I don't even remember the story I told now," said Mr. Quinzel, puzzled. "Which is too bad, because I guess it was really good."

"Well, that sometimes happens with master storytellers – if you don't write it down immediately, you forget it," said Tetch. "Still, I daresay this was a Christmas to remember."

"I don't see why," retorted Joker. "We sat around with people we mostly hang out with anyway, ate some food, and listened to a story. Pretty normal Christmas, really."

"Yes," agreed Tetch, as Klarion smiled at him. "Yes, completely normal in every way."

 **The End**


End file.
